Published: Sunday, November 16th, 2008
Like the title? That’s what came out of Fifi’s mouth less than 30 seconds ago.
I’ve started setting up for Christmas. Early? Maybe, but I wanted everything set up for when my dad gets here. So that the day after Thanksgiving we can decorate the Christmas tree together. This will be the first time my dad will get to do that with his granddaughters and I thought he’d like that.
However, getting the Christmas tree into the house was probably the most trying experience of my life. Two years ago, fed up with the loss of the instructions to our artificial, I literally dragged a 7 ft Christmas tree into the garage. Lights and all. I left it there. Last year with SD promising Spider surprises lurking on every branch I opted to leave it in the garage and I picked up some chincy little fiber optic tree. Blah. What a way to ruin the christmas spirit. Really! We couldn’t even decorate the branches. Ornaments fell off consistently and I gave up after the little people who run our house systematically took off every glass ball and crushed them all. So this year I dragged that sucker outta the garage and onto the driveway. With an industrial size container(1,000 gallons, really is a huge container with a nozzel connected by a long tube) of bug spray, I killed the colony of massive spiders that had built condos and an entire elderly development equipped with a day spa and a strip club. Once dry I beat the ever loving shit out of it until half the branches screamed in agony. I then dragged that bitch of a tree into the house, branches dropping off one by one and I shoved it into the corner I had designated Christmas Fucking Corner two weeks ago. Don’t worry I found the lagging branches and put them back in their places.
I then put up a few other things. Not everything yet. Don’t worry. The rest will go up after Thanksgiving… I promise. One of the things I did put up was a Santa I picked up a few years ago. Rather expensive little shit he was. Anyway while the girls were playing in the front room Fifi decided that she had gotten a glimpse of Old Saint Nicks jewels and announced to us all that the she had in fact seen Santa’s Nuts.
NO GIFTS FOR YOU! Pervert!
I hope he doesn’t take her off his list. Really wouldn’t be fair.
Published: Thursday, November 13th, 2008
Fifi has another super power. She can turn whatever she wants into gold. Well she couldn’t turn my car into gold, according to her I needed to clean my car first and make it shiny. I think she just wanted to go through the car wash. She’s pretty good at firing us with her eyes as well. Her other abilities include speedy running and she can throw “somethings” really far. I asked her what her other powers entailed and she told me that she “couldn’t know” which meant she couldn’t tell me.
Moses doesn’t really have super powers, however she does have the Moeness. It means that she has a cool aura about her that draws everyone to her. Everyone likes her and she’s really nice with a lot of friends. I personally think she’s the greatest thing in kinder. That’s just me.
Buster the beagle has been playing like a puppy the last few days and it’s adorable. He’s our moody old boy. The outlaw. He’s had a legal troubles. Anyway with his medication for his thyroid he’s a new dog. He smells old and is quite cuddly.
Jasper our fat mix of doggy love is working on another hole in the carpet. He has a thing with lights and recognizes the word when it’s said. He’s been chewing on the carpet by the back door for about 2 days now. Damn shadows play tricks on him and cause the light to move so that he has to start over.
Leilah the cow dog has a list started of what she’s eaten, here we go:
12 barbies, 1 bratz doll, 8 books, 7 shoes… only one of each pair, 13 pairs of underwear, 5 socks, 9 stuffed animals, half a set of blinds, 6 bags of trash, 30 complete kid lunches ( left unattended), 13 plastic cups, 8 plastic bowls, 4 plastic plates, 3 full Dr. Peppers (pops the bottle and then dribbles them on the carpet), 3 drum sticks, 1 laptop power cord, a baby Opossum, 1 cable cord, 40 rolls of toilet paper… is she a cat?, 20 sticks, numerous bugs, she’s taken Moses poop from the toilet 1 time ugh!
That’s it for now. I’ve got video games to play PEACE
Published: Wednesday, November 12th, 2008
How do you become free? Yeah we’re all technically free, just not the kind of free I’m talking about. I want to be free like Moses and Fifi. I want to think it’s perfectly fine to demand everything, nothing of value to anyone but myself. I want to stop the injustice of the Potato Bug plight. Spending entire afternoons saving them from the rocks on the walkway. Liberating them to a box and shaking them to consciousness.
I want to feel full of satisfaction at all times. Being proud of my refrigerator art. More so that it can never be removed, because I used a permanent marker I found in a secret hiding place. I want to run around the back yard completely free of obligation. Maybe barefoot. Possibly naked, I’d wear underwear… I have neighbors. I want to take baths and splash around. Splashing so much that I would have to use every towel in the closet to dry it up. I want to spray the wood floors with en dust and slide around in my socks or play tug o war with our cow dog, so that she can pull me around.
Maybe childish of me, however if simple really causes that much pleasure then I want it.
Now heres something I find sad. The other day I allowed roughly 5000 little girls to come over after school. Maybe not that many but for the love of Judas it certainly seemed like it. I kept them outside as long as possibly and before allowing them in, I pulled out one of my tricks. Circle story time. Me and my girls make up stories and goofy songs all the time. I figured the 5000 little girls would know how to make up stories. But they didn’t. I had to coax their imaginations. Very exhausting. “So the purple pig with the pierced ears who ate dumplings… did what?” answer :”slept? I don’t know.”
Very sad. So me and my girls told one big crazy story that had the auditorium on my front lawn giggling. We then went inside and made cookies. Some kids don’t know that homemade cookies don’t come from a bucket or package… Very sad again. This is where my freedom comes in. I think I have freed myself to some extent. To me it’s important that my kids know how to make believe and it’s important that we play together and talk to each other. It’s important that we can be goofy and feel comfortable. And I think it’s important to them that both mommy and daddy are always there. They don’t have to wait for us, they always have us.
Thus, when I am no longer in the Military I’ve decided that I will work little and play a lot. Money is not important to me, my bills aren’t enormous and I can make my own cookies!
Published: Tuesday, November 11th, 2008
Last night my daughter asked me to go to school with her in the morning for a Veterans Day Remembrance the school had planned. So I went. We did some negotiating on what I had to wear. I didn’t want to get my uniform ready so it was decided that due to my willingness to suffer through a school event I could wear whatever I wanted. I didn’t look shabby don’t worry.
The whole thing was pretty nice until I had to go stand at the flag pole per Moses. “Mommy I really want you up there with the other mommies and daddies in the military”… how can you say no? So off I went marching through the grass with my 3 yr old on my hip. She decided, the 3 yr old that is to throw a mild tantrum, only loud enough for half the school to hear. Before I even got to the flag pole the heels of my poorly chosen purple boots had dug about 50 holes into the grass. Nice. So there I stood, watching the boyscouts shout out commands and raising the colors. So cute. It was sweet to watch their faces as they carried out a very important task in front of their peers. Everything went well until, the Fat Ass of a VP decided that the flag wasn’t going up properly and shoved the little boy out of the way to fix it. Um, that could have been done later! He ruined the whole thing! That’s just my opinion, I don’t think the kids noticed but you could tell there were some uniformed personnel there ready to Bitch slap the VP for 1. ruining the moment and 2. making the whole procession last roughly 5 minutes.
It wasn’t terrible, I’m glad I went just for my little girl. It was nice to hear them sing and wave their little flags. Also I had no idea that there was a Texas Pledge of Allegiance. Here it is:
“Honor the Texas flag; I pledge allegiance to thee, Texas, one state under God, one and indivisible.”
Published: Thursday, November 6th, 2008
SD has been driving my **cough** minivan… It’s really a vagon. A station wagon minivan-ish sort of thing. It’s a Mazda 5. Check it out you’ll understand then. Anyway I’ve been driving his would be sporty if it weren’t an automatic Mustang. I keep the mustang clean. I have to spend a lot of time in it driving to and from work. He on the other hand doesn’t go very far everyday and usually spends roughly 20 minutes a day in the “Vagon”. However after I have begged, pleaded and promised things he only dreams about… yeah right! He finally cleaned it out. Wait, he started then I finished it. MOLD growing on the carpet. Now I’ve never kept a clean car but since I got this one I try to keep the funk down. Which is hard with two kids but it can be done.
Well, as I was helping and he was standing around most likely staring at some jogger with big tits. He says to me “Hey, I’m gonna compliment you but you might take it the wrong way, so don’t take it the wrong way”
Here we go, this is where guys need some classes on how not to say something really really really really… I can say really about 500 times and probably still not get my point across here, really stupid!
He says to me, ready for this? He says ” You’d have a perfect body if you had bigger boobs”. I’m sorry he’s standing over my shoulder and he says he didn’t say that. Here’s what he said “You’d have the perfect body if your boobs were a little bit bigger”. Now isn’t that nicer?
Here’s a picture of the winner of the stupid “compliment” award!
